How J got under my skin

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I met J while we were working in a coffee shop together. I was in a serious relationship at the time and wasn’t looking to meet anyone. To be honest I found him very peculiar. I thought wow this man is a terrible person but he views himself as perfection. J was married with three children but he wasn’t happy. He didn’t hesitate to tell anyone that would listen how terrible his wife was to him. He also didn’t hesitate to flirt with anything in a skirt. Lucky me, I happened to be one of those insecure girls.

As time went on I got used to J. My relationship had fallen apart at home just after I found out I was pregnant. It turns out my boyfriend, my first love for that fact was not ready to have a baby. I was 20 years old, four months pregnant and completely alone. I was terrified. So many thoughts ran through my head. Would I be a good mother? How was I supposed to raise a “normal” baby? I had never been around babies prior to my pregnancy which added to my fear.

The more J and I worked together the more completely inappropriate comments he made. He would tell me how beautiful pregnant women were. Comment on my gorgeous blue eyes. Tell me how amazing I was and sadly it made me feel good. I felt like I had no one at the time. None of my friends were having children yet, I assumed I would never date again and my family didn’t seem to understand what I was going through. I thought I was completely alone!

When the time came for me to take mat leave, I was sent off with a bunch of gifts for baby and well wishes. J and I were becoming friends but we wouldn’t see each other for the next year.

I left work for mat leave, had the most amazing baby girl a mom could ask for. I spent a year at home with her and then it was time to head back to work.

When I went back to work J had dropped the bomb, he had left his wife. He claimed that she had cheated. He said he couldn’t take it anymore. A few weeks after J and his wife split up he asked me out on a date. I went on the date against my better judgement. I mean how many guys are going to date a single mom, or so I thought!

In the beginning things were all fun and games with J. We had a lot of fun together for a couple of months until I started college. That was when I started to realize he was not who he claimed to be. He was rude,Β manipulative, a liar and a cheat.

I’m actually getting emotional writing about this. While J and I were together I felt so mentally worn down and beaten up. I can’t believe I ever let someone have that kind of power over me.

Skip to six years later, J and I now have a four-year old son together. When I look back I realize that J always knew how to use my anxiety against me. Unfortunate for him, I am a much stronger woman then I was three years ago. I was lucky that I was brave enough to walk away and seek the help that I needed.

J is no longer under my skin but I do have to try to maintain a civil relationship with him for our little boys sake. Some days it is extremely hard. How do you forgive someone who made you feel worthless? Or an even better question, how do you forgive someone who walked away from their son for three years?

J has only been back in our sons life for about a year. I’m amazed at my little boys resilience. He has handled the entire situation so well. However, I as a mother cringe every time J cancels on our boy. Your child should be a priority not an option.

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